We kind of respected Sophie for having some skill as a con artist, but she really loses a lot of her prestige with her latest scheme: getting Steve to let her write for the Beat. Over Janet's objections (which: that'll teach her not to require that Brandon designate her editor when he's out of town/on his way out the show's door), Steve not only gives Sophie a column in which she can apparently write whatever she wants; he also thinks said column should be adorned by her head shot, and that its début should be announced on the cover? David has a hard time being excited for her because he thinks she's just using Steve to get ahead (in the world of shitty weekly newspapers?), but he gets over it to have an even harder time boning her on the Beat's brand-new almost-live webcam. Noah has a typically healthy response to his father's suicide: driving not only drunk but whilst drinking. It's lucky for him that Donna's just happened to meet an attorney who's sufficiently broke to take on Noah as a client, but Donna is still upset that Noah won't tell her all about his feelings. Abby probably wishes Val would take a page from Noah's book as Val confesses to her in stages: first, that Val actually killed her father and staged it as a suicide; and a day later that she totally fucked Carl the night before their wedding. Maybe she should have checked that there's no statute of limitations on murder, because Abby is going to turn Val in unless Val does it herself. Remember that lawyer of Noah's? Donna meets him when she and Kelly are impulsively checking out a retail space down the stairs from his office, because Kelly thinks she and Donna should open a clothing boutique together. Kelly doesn't have much of a chance to realize this is a terrible idea, though, because she gets distracted by the news that one of Matt's clients is Lenny, the domestic abuser from "The Elephant's Father." What might Kelly think about Matt's judgment regarding his clientele? Find out that and much more in our podcast on "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"!